i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I believe in your delicious
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
