You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
