My boss' voice literally gives me gas
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Omg I joined a choir last night...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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