I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
