before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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