OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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