i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
