Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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