What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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