Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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