I just made out with a guy for $7.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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