My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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