don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
This is the high leading the old right now
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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