I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
