I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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