the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
