hell yes lets make some ravioli
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
