a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
