I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I need a beard to bite.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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