I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
