I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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