walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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