Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
