forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
