Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
