god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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