the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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