Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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