its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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