i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
