I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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