um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
