First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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