I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
