there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize