I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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