the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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