too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
