Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She told me I should be a condom model.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Randomize