I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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