i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
