Im at strip club and am horny
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
