At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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