last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
