I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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