The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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