its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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