So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
