the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
