i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
