Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Is Oprah even human
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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