So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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