a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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