everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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