The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
