The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
