i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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