the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
