Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
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